Category Archives: Father


It’s almost as though you think life is a game. It’s one big fun palace where no one gets hurt, or cries, or dies. I told you to hold on tight and you do that thing where you “act” as though you’re holding on tight, and I repeated, Hold on, boy. This isn’t a game. If you don’t hold on you will get hurt. Hold on. And you tightened your grip and Jared sent you down the hill, soaring past the stand-still moms, soaring past pink-jacket brunette, soaring toward the oh-my-god Continue reading Yorkville

Shock & Awe

Yeah, your teachers told me today that you’re a terror. No, they didn’t use that word, but when I went in that morning to ask them to keep an eye on you when you play with Michael (because of the little red marks, black and blue marks, and scabs on your arm), they told me it wasn’t Michael. It seems you are the one who pushes, hits, grabs, and bullies the other children.

The night before I asked how you got Continue reading Shock & Awe

Rafael: ongoing

Additions, to list of the things you do that you will most probably ask me about at some point and I will probably forget at some point. I remember asking my Mom, what was I like when I was a kid, and she remembered a couple things here and there but nothing as detailed as I would have wanted. So in case you are as detailed as me….

-You say “what happened” all the time. You use it as a substitute for “what” “why” and “how.”
“Okay Raf, we’re turning off the movie get ready for bed.”
“What happened?”

-You called a chocolate bar a chocolate stick.

-I put you in timeout Continue reading Rafael: ongoing

Rafael: Ongoing

You don’t like when people talk to me. Correction. You don’t like when women talk to me—correction, you don’t like when women I don’t know, talk to me.

You do it at the park. You do it at restaurants. You do it on the streets. You start saying Daddy. Daddy. And you’re looking at me, first slightly irritated, then increasingly scared. You say my name, and stare at the woman talking to me. The woman has no choice but to stop talking and look at your two big eyes. And that’s when you stick your finger in your nose. (Another form of defense.) Continue reading Rafael: Ongoing


In our on-going attempt to record new strains of behavior…

You take quarters out of my change bucket and hide them in my chest of drawers.
When I enter the bathroom you follow me in and lock the door—your fingers snug on the flushing lever.

On october 7th you asked to pee in the potty. Standing over the toilet you couldn’t reach the top so I picked you up and when you began to urinate it split in many directions, mostly over the bathroom floor which I have yet to clean.

You hold the ping pong racket and have me throw the ping pong ball to you. You’re not very good.
Continue reading More

Happy and sad

Rafael locked eyes and he covered his face with his hand toward my eyes so I wouldn’t see him (or so he wouldn’t see me), then came to the middle of the stairs and stopped.

I was behind the door that needed to be buzzed and banged his apple juice against the glass as a war cry or drum medley or just wanting to smash the thing that separated him from me.

She walked down the remaining five steps, put him on the floor as he started to run and stopped again to cover his eyes and Continue reading Happy and sad

Another boy called me “Daddy”

Rafael gave me a strange look today when another boy at the indoor playground we attend, held my hand and called me, “Daddy.” The young boy was obviously confused, but the way Raf walked up holding his little yellow teacup looking at me, then the boy spoke, and raf looked at him, then quickly back at me, a tint shifted in the color of his cheeks and his eyes suddenly became very alive…

RAF: Is he telling the truth?
ME: Is who Continue reading Another boy called me “Daddy”