The Edinburgh Fringe 2017: Hot Sweat Wet

I almost died in a Bikram class today, but I didn’t.

I was dizzy, shaking, sweating. It was unbelievable. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think.

Bikram is different.

The teacher asked if I had done Bikram before, and I said yes.
But i think I’ve done “hot” yoga.
Where was the downward dog?
Where was the cobra?
Where the fuck was child’s pose?

I almost passed out. I begged her for water, she said “Almost done, love. Suck it up.” We were doing all these standing poses, and the breath came up into my mouth like hot shawarma, which is what I ate yesterday for lunch.

“Would anyone mind if we cracked a window?”

And when everyone looked at me, I pointed the guy next to me

“Looks like he needs it.”

I finally had to stop. I was so weak and dizzy. I couldn’t do child’s pose. A child’s pose… was too difficult for me.

There were mirrors in front of us. Long. Large Mirrors!
My face was so red.
It was redder than anyone else’s.
And I Was in Scotland! Right? Someone HAS to have a redder face than me (but no one did.)

I laid there dead. Pathetic. Weak. unable to get a clear breath.

“Elan! Lock your knees.”
“Elan! Keep your elbows in.”
“Elan! Squeeze your butt.”

I lay there.
Breathless.
Darkness.
God, wouldn’t someone just crack a window.
And finally…

She brought me water.
And after class a woman told me to take my clothes off.
“I was sure you were gonna strip naked? You came in with a long sleeve shirt!”
(It’s cold in Scotland.)

Two week unlimited pass… Purchased.

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