The Gym says don’t stare

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7AM
I get to the gym and decide to begin my work out with some pull ups till I see some girls in the jacuzzi and decide to join them instead.

7:15AM
Had problems with my lock and realized I didn’t bring my bathing suit. These Fruit of the Looms really look like shorts so I don’t think it’ll be much of an issue.

7:20AM
The lifeguard (there’s a lifeguard?) blew a whistle at me and apparently I’m not allowed in the pool because I’m in my underwear and don’t have a towel. I make a joke to the girls as I’m leaving “Too bad. I brought wine coolers.”

7:35AM
Back at the pull up bar and wondering why they weren’t laughing at that zinger. Bad experience with wine cooler? I pump out ten; rest for a minute, then do that four times. A guy walks by and asks if I’m done using the machine, I say no just started and he walks away with a weird look. Ha. I was finished, but I know how this works. Gyms are like jails. Show a bit of weakness, and in another week I’ll be buying cigarettes of him for handjobs.

7:47AM
Incline push ups. Batting them out. Feeling swoll. Big Head Phones Guy comes over and starts offering help with using one of the machines. Says he watched me use it incorrectly and if I raise the seat a little I could avoid serious injury to my lower back and spine. I slap him in the face and yell fire then point to the opposite side of the weight room. When he turns to look I hide behind the workout bikes. Heart rate is way up. Nice.

7:48AM
Apparently, I’ve entered a class of Soul Cycle and the instructor is yelling at me to mount or Stick. Big head phones guy looks pissed and I see his blood red super wick t shirt, arms bulging out of the incomprehensible moisture avoiding material. I pedal and keep my head down all Tour de France Style. This red haired bird bicycles next to me. Her red hair tousling back and forth on her porcelain skin. I tell her my grandfather was in the Holocaust and escaped by hiding in the forest: a bike would have been useful. She ignores me. Jew Hater.

7:51AM
This class is hard and I want to quit. I never realized how difficult biking is when you’re forced to go at someone else’s pace. I ask the instructor to slow down, but she tells me to get on my bike or STICK. I don’t see Head Phone guy so decide to stick. I take my iphone and take a picture of red hair for later viewing and she slaps the phone out of my hand, I think she broke it bro, when some sweaty dudes grab me from behind. Oh shit! It’s a riot! They are pulling me back onto the floor but not before I fling my legs up and like a donkey I double kick to latin women in the face.

9:15AM
Gym membership revoked (can’t say I’m too upset) now waiting for fat officer at Maryland Police to process me. I forgot to feed my cat. Officer asks if that’s my one phone call. Pretty funny. I should be a cop.

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