Fall

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I like Fall because it reminds me of you.
It reminds me of the lake.
It reminds me of change.
it reminds me of the time that spider bit your arm and I saved your life.
(Kind of.)
It reminds me of change, of growing up.
It also reminds me of being a younger brother.
It reminds me that I failed you:
I could have hidden your cigarettes in my pocket.
Mom, wouldn’t have checked.
Dad, wouldn’t have cared.
I didn’t have to throw you under the bus like that.
(Fuck it, maybe I did.) Don’t torture your younger brother.
Don’t make me beg my single mother to come home from work early to come hit with you the back of her shoe.
It reminds me of the time you kicked me in the shed, while Jamie stood by and watched. Or, the time you bought me fireworks and showed me how to light a match.
But I love the fall cause of you.
It reminds me of the stories.
It reminds me of all the lovely things you told me.
All those things that put you off balance.
All those things that control the inside of me.
When I got naked in front of you with my clothes on.
When I had no money.
When I screamed at you on the subway.
When we fought all the way to the taco shop, and then a bit more cause you told me I wasted money on buying the wrong ice cream.
(What is wrong ice-cream?)
It reminds me that I lied to you.
I love fall more than I love telling you the truth about certain things.
Fall is transition. Like a drip coffee machine.
And how sometimes you want the coffee to JUST COME OUT.
Other times it sits in the pot while I listen to a Smashing Pumpkins song and wonder why I made six cups.
It also reminds me that I’m the only one drinking the coffee.
There’s one cup in the morning— I hung yours up.
I love fall cause of pumpkins and beer and pie and leaves and shitty music that can all fit in one shitty compilation CD.
I like fall cause of screaming, like when I can’t get you out of my head and I wake up at 4:34AM and remember I walked right into this, like a fucking idiot, I gave you everything you’d need to one day make the ground beneath my feet go out from under me.
I love the fall cause it hurts. It’s a cold hurt.
Then miraculously it’s not! It’s warm! It’s hot!
It reminds me of that last hike to the lake.
Of carving jack o lanterns,
Eating pumpkin seeds,
Reading a poem by,
Poe, or Thomas, or Thurber, or You.
It reminds me of all your old postcards,
All your old doodles.
I love fall cause I can see the passing of my life through your drawings.
The passing of my life as the lake just doesn’t look the same anymore.
More dull than last year.
And I love fall cause I get to say goodbye.
Every fall I can prepare to say one last goodbye to everyone that helped or hurt or didn’t give two fucking shits.
Which these days is really reminding me of you.

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