House Arrest

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911 emergency. Go ahead.
Hi, this isn’t an emergency. I just wanted to let you know there’s a raccoon outside.
A racoon?
Yes.
This is 911 emergency. Please hang up and call 311 for your local—
It’s a little more urgent than that. He won’t let me out.
Excuse me?
He won’t let me out of the house.
Pause.
Why not?
He doesn’t like what’s in my garbage — I don’t know. How should I know?
Is he inside the house, sir?
No, I told you. He’s outside. Waiting for me.
Is he at the front door?
Yes, he’s by the door. He’s on the fence.
Is there only one exit from your house?
The garage door’s busted.
A window? Or, backdoor?
No, I don’t have a backyard. I would love a backyard.
I’m not sure what to tell you — Is there a neighbor you can call?
No.
Family, friends, wife?
I don’t have a wife.
Who am I speaking with?
Why are you getting personal?
Excuse me?
The wife crack?
I don’t understand.
My names George Mueller and—
Sir, if you can—
I’ve got a trained raccoon outside with his claws in the air and his fur up on his back.
Did you say fur, Mr. Meueller?
Yes, his hands are up; he looks—
Is it a cat?
No, it’s not a fucking cat.
Mr. Mueller, I’m going to ask you to calm down.
You don’t think I know the difference between a raccoon and a cat?
I’m doing the best I can to try and assist you.
Wait, it’s dead.
Mr. Meuller?
I’ve killed it. It’s dead now.
Did you go outside?
No. It just died. I think confusing it with a cat might have killed it.
Is it a possum or a raccoon?
How do you know so much about nature?
Mr. Mueller, I need you to calm down.
What is this biology? I have an eye doctor appointment, and I can’t leave my house cause a rodent wants to kill me.
Can you see the rodent? How bad is your vision?
Oh, fuck you woman. Seriously, what’s that crack?
If it’s a possum it might be playing possum.
What does that mean?
It plays dead. Does it look dead?
It looks dead.
Possum’s do that.
Great so now he’s fucking with me, too.

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