The Sauna

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Having stared at the older man’s crotch the first second I opened the door to the sauna in my gym last Tuesday, I decided this morning (if he were still there with his crotch open and exposed) I would stare in another direction (or, simply not stare at all).To my surprise, and his relief: I was alone.

I entered the sauna and turned the sand through the hour glass timer upside down with an eye on the five minute mark. Anything more would leave me completely dehydrated. Anything more than dehydrated, would leave me lifeless. Anything more than lifeless, would actually give me more energy as spurts of adrenaline would singe and crackle through the pores of my being and fucking hell — the door to the sauna swung open. I felt my eyes thrusting not for the face, not for the wooden ceiling, not for the hour glass, but for the sweet sweet mid-section. No! No! Why do I look at people’s groins? I’m not even trying.

As his leg enters the door I stare down; between my legs at the wooden planks on the floor. He’s in the room. I did it. I have successfully not looked at his crotch. Victory is mine, and it is sweet. I breathe warm air and sigh— wait.

He’s not moving. He’s standing in the room. It’s a second, but it’s like an hour, and why is he standing there, and oh my god… I realize he thinks I’m staring at my crotch. At my own crotch. No. I quickly tilt my head to the left and stare deeper into the floor tiles, as though I saw something unfamiliar in the floor something unfamiliar in the wooden plank that needed me to tilt my head to get a better look. Save. I saved that shit. I’m a woodsman, or carpenter, or whatever the person is who is definitely not looking at their own crotch— 

Then I realize he thinks I’m staring at something unfamiliar at my own crotch — as though I’ve never seen that unfamiliar thing there before and holy shit. There’s nothing I can do, and he sits down slowly at the farthest end of the sauna in another sauna area code than me, and there is nothing I can do. I sit. I look back up. I breathe. Then I stare at his crotch, and leave.

Fuck him.

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