Call Your Enemies

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Morning. Man calls Tom.
Hey, Tom?
Yeah.
How are you?
Good.
I’m in a bit of a fix, and I’m wondering if you can help me?
I’m sorry. Who’s this?
Sorry. It’s Brian. I used to work with you over at The Lennox?
Yeah.
Do you still work there?
That was five years ago.
Okay. I wasn’t sure if you worked there anymore.
No.
Okay. So how’s it going?
Good. Brian, what can I do for you?
I got this huge, huge audition tomorrow, and I’m kind of staying out of town right now. And I don’t know if you know, but you gotta get to the audition really early in the morning if you want to be seen.
Okay.
Otherwise there’s just no point in going.
Right.
I was wondering if it wouldn’t be too much trouble if I could crash at your place?
Pause.
You want to sleep at my house… tonight?
I would be gone tomorrow before you woke up; I would be out of your house by 6am.
Yeah. It’s not that you’d be out super early — we’re… not close.
I know. I haven’t kept in touch like I should have.
We weren’t close when you worked for me. When I managed you.
I thought we had some really good times.
Wait a minute. Brian, you quit.
I quit?
I can’t believe you’re calling me.
I don’t remember—
You quit without giving me notice.
I— hmm? You broke up there, I didn’t catch that.
I had to scramble… to cover four of your shifts and two of them on New Years Eve, and New Years Day. So essentially the busiest night and day of the year.
Tom—
I’m—I can’t believe you’re calling to ask me to stay at my home. You made things very difficult for me at that job. And we’re not friends.
Ouch.
I’m sorry that this is a surprise to you—
I used to give your girlfriend free drinks.
So?
I thought we were friends and—
You gave my girlfriend free drinks — Do you remember what you said to my girlfriend?
Do I remember—
I can’t believe this— My girlfriend, who was at the bar one night, said to you something like “Doesn’t Tom remind you of Robert Downey Jr?”
Your girlfriend said that?
Do you remember what you said?
No.
You have no idea what you said?
I have no recollection of this conversation.
“Definitely not.”
Definitely not what?
That’s what you said. “Definitely not.”
Okay.
“Definitely not?” As if there’s no way I could come close to resembling the pinnacle of Robert Downey Jr? What are you in love with him?
No.
Well why “definitely not?” Honestly, why is it so inconceivable that I could resemble Robert Downey Jr?
It was the way your girlfriend said it — I’m remembering now— she said “doesn’t he remind you so much of Robert Downey Jr?” as though I was gonna say “Absolutely. Without a doubt. Big connection and resemblance between those two.” Honestly, I don’t see it.
We both have dark hair, we’re both kind of quirky. We’re both white. I think I speak like him; many people have told me that.
Fine.
Seriously, I’m not trying to— but many people — strangers — have told me that I remind them of Robert Downey Jr.
That’s fair.
Anyway, my girlfriend was probably on her third glass of wine. She was drunk. She was happy to see me. I think I just went over to her to explain the appetizer I sent her for free, and she very loving said to you “Doesn’t he remind you of Robert Downey Jr?”
“So much”
“Doesn’t he remind you so much of Robert Downey Jr?” and you say “definitely not?”
Tom—
That’s insulting. (beat.) That’s insulting to her, you’re essentially saying “you’re an idiot.” And it’s insulting to me because I actually do resemble him.
Tom, I really don’t remember—
No—?
I don’t remember saying it. I want to apologize to you.
Please—
Cause right now. You are kind of reminding me of Robert Downey Jr.
You’re not just saying that?
I’m not.
Cause if you are it’s not going to work.
I’m not.
Strangers! Have said it to me.
I know.
Everyone: baristas, waiters, dry cleaning. Fucking Koreans, they all think I look like —
Yup. Listen, is your girlfriend there? Honestly, I would like to apologize to —
No.
Sincerely, I would like to apologize for how I acted—
No.
She’s not around. Fine. I understand what you’re saying. It was rude. I wasn’t thinking—
We broke up.
Pause.
You were engaged.
And we broke up.
Pause.
Please don’t tell me—
That… night.
Pause.
Can I crash at your—
No.

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