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I have altered my workout.

Four months ago I typed in the google search engine ‘how do i look like Daniel Craig from Casino Royale,’ and more than a million sites popped up.

I have seen improvements. I gym five days a week. I use gym as a verb.

Trainers solicit me. They did so more in the beginning.

Just remember when you’re doing ‘clean and jerks’ keep your back straight. Kay? Bad form equals you in pain.
Thank you.
Just start here?
Sign up for a personal trainer evaluation. I’m John.
Nice to meet you.

One was a shark. She came at me in the middle of treading water. When I say treading water I mean in the middle of bicycle crunches.

What you doing?
(I say nothing and make eye contact)
Crunches? How many you at now?
(I say nothing and make eye contact)
(She says nothing with a dumb smile on her face as if I had said something)
(You can’t still be standing there waiting for me to finish?)
(I’m gonna paste this plastic smile on my face till you stop doing crunches and answer me. There are too many people watching us for me to simply walk away)
(I will keep doing crunches till you leave)
(You will stop doing crunches soon. Your form looks terrible)
(I can’t do any more crunches. I’m pathetic)
How many was that?
I don’t count.
What are you trying to do?
What are you trying to achieve? In the gym.
To be… faster, stronger, better.
Like the Kanye song.
You don’t know that one?
I think I do.
I got it on my ipod.
I’m good.
Well, if you’re trying to be faster you should really be doing that at the end of your workout.
I’m a runner, so I know. Have you tried doing tricep pulls in a squat position?
Wanna try?
I’m in the middle of my workout.
Who’s your trainer?
(You’re not getting the hint)
(I’m getting it. I just don’t give a shit. I need a new client. The one I had left to DC and she was my main source of income. I may have to go back to my temp job.)
(That’s not my problem.)
Who’s your trainer?
I don’t have one.
You should get a free evaluation. I’m Nicole.
Yes, you are.
Let me know when you want to try that tricep dip.
(Let me know when you want to race.)
Excuse me?
Nothing. Thank you.
(That’s what I thought you little shit.)

[I have no idea how I went off course. I will continue the main thread of this when I have more time.]

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