Kill

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I liked it, but it no longer fits in the play I’m writing.

MAX
Can you excuse us for a second?
BRICE
What?
MAX
I would like to have a word with Lisa.
BRICE
You’re joking. You have to be joking. I’m your girlfriend, and you’re telling me to leave.
LISA
You don’t have to leave the house.
BRICE
Thank you, Lisa. But I think I would prefer to just have a conversation with my boyfriend.
MAX
There’s no need to adopt a tone.
BRICE
Tone?
MAX
Lisa hasn’t done anything.
BRICE
Oh my god. You’re protecting her?
MAX
I am not-
BRICE
You’re protecting her against me? You’re taking her side.
LISA
He only said not to adopt a tone.
BRICE
I know what he said. Wow. Thanks for the explanation. I’m pregnant, not deaf. Hey, tell me what the fuck is going on right now? Cause I feel like I’m in an episode of the twilight zone.
MAX
Why would you feel like you’re-
BRICE
Please tell me that you haven’t just been flirting with your ex-wife.
LISA
(correcting)
Fiance.
BRICE
Mind your business.
(to MAX)
Fiance, right in front of my pregnant face.
MAX
Not flirting.
BRICE
Right in front of your unborn baby’s face and my born face.
LISA
Congratulations, by the way.
MAX
Thanks.
LISA
I’m really happy for you.
MAX
That means a lot.
LISA
You look great, Max.
MAX
You-
BRICE
What? Too? Is that really what you were gonna say? Too? That she looks good, too! As in ‘also.’ That’s what’s your gonna say, right now? While I’m pregnant?
MAX
All right this is getting a little heavy handed.
BRICE
What is Max?
MAX
I just want to talk to her.
BRICE
If you told me we were coming to see Lisa. I would not have come three hundred and seventy six miles in a car. You should not have invited me.
MAX
I didn’t know we were seeing Lisa. I came to show you my life.
BRICE
Well, I’m seeing it, Max. I’m seeing it. And it fucking sucks.
LISA
I don’t know why you have to swear.
BRICE
Lisa. Bear with me. I am trying not to hate you. I am trying so hard to not hate you. It’s not easy.
MAX
Brice, wait in the car.
BRICE
I’m not your child.
MAX
You’re acting like one.
BRICE
I’m acting like one because you’re in la-la land. Hi. You abandoned this person five years ago. Now you’re back and starting it all up again?
MAX
No one is starting anything. It’s been awhile — it’s just a little awkward with you jumping down my throat.
LISA
We haven’t seen each other for five years.
BRICE
Because he left you, Lisa. Get a back bone. He left you, and you’re rolling out the red carpet for him. Stop trying to steal my husband.
MAX
Boyfriend.
BRICE
Fuck you. Seriously, Max? Fuck you.
MAX
Brice-
BRICE
Max, are you coming with me, or not?
MAX
No.
BRICE
Okay.
(beat.)
So, I’ll just go and wait in the car. Wait in that piece-of-shit Honda, until you come out of this house.
MAX
It’s not a piece of a shit, it’s a 2005 Accord. And you don’t have to wait in the car, you can wait in the house.
LISA
Please, go to my room.
BRICE
‘Go to my room?’
(genuine)
How old are you?
LISA
How old am I? What difference does that make?
BRICE
I’m asking, how old you are?
LISA
I’m twenty five.
BRICE
Okay. I’m twenty six. Please don’t tell me to ‘go to your room.’
MAX
She didn’t mean it like that.
BRICE
Don’t tell me that. Because I’ve been living on my own since I was eighteen and you’re twenty five and still living with your parents.
MAX
Brice.
(pause.)
I’ll wait in the 2005 Accord. Pregnant.
BRICE exits.

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