Go Stalk to Her

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(A twenty five year old sketch comedy writer coming up with a bit that was too long for sketch comedy.)
Early morning. Lights up. A man in his home, finishing paper some paper-work. A doorbell rings. Alex sees who it is.

Alex: Oh shit.

Opening the door.

Sara: Alex!!
Alex: Hey!
Sara: Oh, baby.
Alex: What are you doing here?
Sara: Oh baby.
Alex: I can’t believe you’re here.
Sara: (embracing him) I’m here. I’m home.

Sara goes to make-out with him.

Alex: Sara. Sara.
Sara: (still holding him) Yes.
Alex: How did you…?
Sara: My parents are outside. They drove me straight from the airport.
Alex: I’m late for school.
Sara: I’m so happy to see you.
Alex: I’m happy to see you too. I need to talk to you.
Sara: I need to talk to you, too. I missed you so much.
Alex: It’s important. I wanted to talk to you about it sooner.
Sara: Go on.
Alex: Just come here.

Alex leads her away from the sun-lit window.

It’s so bright; I can’t open my eyes.
Sara: What’s going on?
Alex: I thought we broke up.


Sara: What?
Ales: What.
Sara: When?
Alex: When? When we spoke on the phone. Two month ago. I was in Miami you were in Israel. I said I didn’t appreciate you hanging out with your ex-boyfriend and you said maybe we should take a break.
Sara: For the summer?
Alex: For the summer.
Sara: Just for the summer.
Alex: Just for the summer AND it kept going.
Sara: What are you saying?
Alex: I’ve been home for the last month.
Sara: And???
Alex: I thought…
Sara: I think I’m going to be upset, Alex.
Alex: I know, Sara. But I am being honest and forthright with you.
Sara: What the fuck is going on?
Alex: This kitchen is no good. Come here.

Alex leads her out of the room.

Sara: I don’t understand? Have you been with other people?
Alex: (gathering his thoughts) Ok.
Sara: (feeling the stench) Why are we in the garage?
Alex: It’s too bright everywhere else. Your parents are waiting outside-
Sara: Let me tell my parents to go.
Alex: No. No. Your going to go with them.


Sara: Your not going to talk to me?
Alex: I have to go to school. Sara, this is very fresh for you but in my head we haven’t been together since that phone call and that’s been awhile already.
Sara: You wait until I get back? Why didn’t you tell me on the phone so I could have done what I wanted to do in Israel? Fucking Stupid. I can’t believe it.
Alex: You were on the same phone-line I was.
Sara: (confused) It was a phone conversation…
Alex: And you said we should break it off!!
Sara: I meant the phone call you moron…break of the conversation we were having!!
Alex: Well, I didn’t know that’s what you meant.
Sara: Oh my God!! You bring me into your dirty fucking basement to break up with me??
Alex: Garage, Sara. It’s a garage. And I didn’t know you were going to come right here from the airport. How was I supposed to know that?
Sara: I told you on the phone yesterday that I would be back in town soon.
Alex: What’s “soon” when your talking about an airplane trip? 3 days? 4 days? If you would have said, “I’ll be there tomorrow,” I would have understood.
Sara: Why didn’t you tell me when we last spoke?
Alex: (nurturing) I didn’t want to do something like that on the phone.
Sara: Oh no, this is a lot better, Alex. Yeah! Way to go! My parents are waiting outside. (looking around) Your fucking smelly garage. (shock) That’s my shirt.
Alex: What?
Sara: What the..?
Alex: Which?
Sara: You already threw out my shirt?!


Alex: (busted) You left it at my house and I never wore it. It looks a bit strange when I open my closet to see a girls shirt.
Sara: We went out for two years!!!
Alex: Fine! But I don’t see why I have to carry your wardrobe? It’s a relationship not a flea-market. I’m not going to sit and explain that to other people every time they ask why I have women’s clothing in my closet.
Sara: What other people?
Alex: What other people? Did I say- ‘other people?’ I meant ‘southern steeple.’
Sara: What is “southern steeple?”
Alex: It’s meant to confuse you.
Sara: You have other people?
Alex: Yes.
Sara: (boiling) Ohhh….
Alex: You are just a miserable person. I am so glad we broke this off.
Sara: My fucking parents are in the car. RIGHT OUTSIDE.
Alex: Is that supposed to make me lie to you? Would you rather I say, “Hey, Sara. So good to see you. Kiss, kiss, kiss.”
Sara: Of course! you stupid fucking moron! Then you could have broken up with me later on tonight. But instead you wait until I come to your house; so happy to see you; my parents are waiting outside and you crush me like this?
Alex: I have plans tonight.
Sara: You fucking loser! You have other women already?!
Alex: It’s been two months!
Sara: Two months. Well, holy fuck. I’m surprised you haven’t built the arc yet and sailed off for forty days and forty nights with two different women from every different fucking ethnicity!
Alex: All right, Sara.
Sara: Everyone was right about you. Everyone! Mike, told me in Israel.
Alex: (indicating he’s a drug user) Yeah, “Mike.”
Sara: Claire, told me in yoga.
Alex: (indicating she’s heavy) Oh, “Claire.”
Sara: Monica warned me right from …
Alex: (testy) Don’t bring up, Monica.
Sara: Monica.


Monica! Monica! Monica! Monica!
Alex: We are finished! Over with! Done for!!
Sara: This fucking girl had you pegged from the start.
Alex: Oh, really?
Sara: For two years I defended your sorry, stupid, morass of-a-life. “Watch out for actors.” “They create drama.”
Alex: She said that?
Sara: Every time we went out. And now here I am with my clothing on your grandmothers FOR SALE rack… (genuine) What is she doing with a FOR SALE rack?
Alex: For her rummage sales.
Sara: You’re selling my clothing in a garage sale?
Alex: Nooo.


Alex: Giving it away, really.
Sara: I’ll kill you!!

She grabs at him. Claws at his face. Jumps on his back.

Alex: Ok! Sara, relax. Calm down! My Back!!


Sara: My parents outside… Cramped up in your god damn garage… We made love in this garage.
Alex: Sara, don’t make this more difficult.
Sara: I went down on you for the first time on your SOLOFLEX work out machine. (looking around) Those are our memories. Where’s the machine?
Alex: Sold.
Sara: (crumbling) Oooohhh…
Alex: Sara, I know anything I say right now will just make you angry and bitter and probably wind up making you resent me more for trying to ease your pain; being I’m the one who gave it to you in the first place, and when I look back… Really, what the hell am I trying to do? You’re miserable. I’m so happy.


Pointless if you think about it. (from the heart) Sara if there’s one thing you can take with you from this relationship is, that I loved you. Very much.
Sara: We made love right over there. On the couch. On that dilapidated old couch with the little floral design patters. Cob-webs all over us. Remember?
Alex: Of course I remember.


No, Sara.
Sara: One last time. One more and I’ll go. I understand, you don’t have to explain it to me again. Just give me one more.
Alex: I really have to get to school.
Sara: One more time.
Alex: No, Sara. You think this will ease the pain but it won’t. It will just prolong it.
Sara: Sleep with me.
Alex: No.
Sara: If you don’t sleep with me right now… I’ll stalk you.
Alex: You’ll what me?
Sara: I’m serious.
Alex: Stalk me? That’s the best you can come up with?? Stalk me?


I’ll kick your ass.
Sara: I’m not starting a fist fight with you, you moron. Stalk, means to hang around all the time. Like when you get out of class… I’ll be there. When you go to your car… I’ll be there. When you take a drink of water… I’ll be there.
Alex: What will you be doing?
Sara: Watching.
Alex: Will you follow me if I go on dates?
Sara: Yes.
Alex: Why?
Sara: Cause I’ll be stalking you, you asshole!
Alex: But what do you get out of that?
Sara: I’ll make your date feel uncomfortable and she won’t want to go out with you anymore.
Alex: Why would you do that?
Sara: So you can be as miserable and lonely as I am.
Alex: So your going to follow me every where I go from now on?
Sara: Yes.


Alex stands there. Sara stands there. Alex isn’t sure what to do. Finally he begins to exit. Sara follows.

Alex: I’m going to the bathroom.
Sara: I’ll be listening.


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