Speech at my Bubby’s 84th birthday party

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So I’ve looked up a couple of people that were also born in 1928—which I believe is the year you were born—I believe that because you’re turning 84, and I counted backwards (it was annoying), and got to the year 1928… And you are not going to believe the company you have! Guess who was also born in 1928? 
(PAUSE)
No , seriously Bubby, guess. It’s not fun, if you’re not playing. Shirley Temple! Isn’t that amazing? Who else? Adam West, he played Batman on TV. Stanley Kubrick, the famous director of ‘A Clockwork Orange,’ and ‘Spartacus.’ And Andy Warhol, the guy that took shit and called it art.
 
Bubby, I am so happy you are 84. I can’t get over it. 84! Imagine how many fortune cookies you’ve opened, and sadly, how many have not come true. But 84 years! You hear salesman saying things like, “I’ve worked in this company for 20 years,” and everyone is bowled over by that. “Wow, he’s been here for twenty years—I should listen to that guy.” Or a gardener saying, “Don’t tell me how to cut the lawn, I’ve been doing it for 25 years!” I mean, holy shit! That is a long time to be cutting grass. Now imagine doing something for 84 years—and just a quick question—Have you ever had a job? Seriously, for some reason, since I’ve known you, I have never seen you work? How do you do it!? Teach me!
 
Bubby, I love you. And I don’t just love you on paper. I hang on your word. You have such an incredible outlook on life. You are probably the most positive person I have ever met. I remember telling you I wanted to be an actor, and you actually encouraged me. You encouraged me to pursue it. What the hell were you thinking? There is such a thing as being too positive. Too optimistic. Hell, bubby. You could have saved me a lot of tsouras. I’m kidding.
 
I remember when you first saw Rafael, my son, and how happy you were. And you held him in your arms and you lifted him up in the air, and his diaper fell, and he pissed in your mouth. Wait! Wait! That was me. What was I, like, three? I pissed in your mouth. That was awesome. I have got to tell more people that one.
 
Bubby, I wish things were different and I could see you all the time, but please know that I love you like you were my own mother. My 84 year old mother, and I’m sorry you had to live to see your daughter go, but I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong, and I hope that I will be half the person you are. I love you.
 
Happy Birthday.
 
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