Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary.11th ed. 2009.
China is buying oil from Iran. Iran is using the money to buy plutonium; which alarms Israel—which alarms the United States. President Obama is planning to send his top aides to China [hopefully] convincing them not only of the dangers of Iran having nuclear capabilities but much worse—preventing an all out war between Israel and Iran—which got me thinking how bad of a turn this could take.
United States: Stop buying oil from Iran.
United States: If you don’t—Israel will go to war with Iran.
China: Then we will go to war with Israel.
United States: Then we will go to war with you.
Iran: Do we have a say in this?
Israel/China/United States: No.
So now a full scale war is imminent, the papers headlines say WAR I’m on the subway and the homeless man who usually asks for, ‘Nickels, dimes, anything,’ is grabbing at pockets, snatching hats, pilfering briefcases for cash, checks, and jewels—citizens are bouncing into each other at too fast a pace, everyone is unhinged and hungry, but who am I going to hang out with that day?
I’ve narrowed it down to three. My son, my best friend, my girlfriend (sorry to all my cousins in Brooklyn—yes, you are my closest family but I’ve called you the last couple of Passover’s and have gotten zero reply, so—not like this should come as a shock).
My son is locked away with his mom and fiance. Locked away. Not locked away, but living with them and they clearly can’t protect him as well as I (narcissism) can, and I would like to be with my son when the end of the world is near—so yes, my son. However, I would like to make love (would I though? I am really on the fence about this. I would like to think I would like to make love, but in reality; I’m not so sure. Do horny, sexy or erotic feelings actually swell up when you could die at any moment?) For this example, let us say that sex is appealing [it normally is] so, I would like to make love with my girlfriend. Seeing how her family is on the west coast, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be inconveniencing her. Unless there is someone else she’d like to sleep with, although since it is the end of the world, it may not be a fair thing to bring up.
ME: End of the world sex, honey. Let’s do it.
HER: There’s something I gotta tell you.
ME: I’m the greatest lover you ever had?
HER: No. I already told you that.
ME: I know. I just figured—the end of the world-
HER: I’d lie to you-
HER: No—what I’d like is to have an open relationship.
HER: I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
ME: You’ve got maybe a couple hours.
HER: He lives around here.
ME: The Upper West Side?? Rents.
HER: He’s very successful.
ME: I’ll kill him.
HER: Elan. That’s horrible.
ME: I don’t care. It’s the end of the world and I don’t have to be nice. And you’re a bitch.
HER: I bought you that sweater.
ME: I love this sweater—you have good taste.
ME: You’re joking, right?
ME: You’re the worst.
HER: End of the world humor!
ME: You got me.
The problem with that, her and my son have never really met (it’s a long story—I don’t want to get into it. I grew up with my dad having a slew of women—a revolving door, and it made me think women come and go, provide momentary entertainment, and are therefore interchangeable; god forbid my son should think the same and I am scared he’ll become attached to her, then one day she’s not there anymore). That, and I don’t think the first time they meet would be the time for end of the world sex. Or, maybe that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. It feels rude, and highly inconsiderate (but what the hell do I know about end of the world etiquette). They met once, yes. It was for dinner. There was no holding, cuddling or kissing. We even went dutch, just so my son wouldn’t think, ‘That’s my money you’re spending.’ It’s not easy, and how far can you go to protect your son before you start denying him experiences (especially when it’s the end of the world)?