I was given a picture back that one of Tonya’s friends took [of me and raf] when he was maybe 4 or 5 months old and rested on the main mantlepiece of the bedroom we shared during my stay in her abode. It’s a good picture, of both of us, but the picture is more than a picture it’s a symbol of my days in the home. That’s not quite accurate. It is a symbol that a Dad lived in a house with his son, that picture, given back to me, says ‘you don’t live here anymore.’
I wanted out of that relationship. There was not a day that went by when a tiny little mousy thought popped a kernel inside my head and the kernel read ‘how do I get out of here?’ Yet now that I’m out and someone else [within a time frame that would rival Hamlet’s mom’s marriage] is in… I guess I don’t like being replaced.
And that is what it feels like, very very quickly being replaced.
New cars replace old cars. Ideas are replaced. Windows are replaced. Roofs are replaced, but people? No. Yes?
Replacing a person is unlike replacing a roof. If a roof is leaky, you replace it, then no longer leaky. If a person is making you unhappy you replace them and then no longer unhappy? Maybe, but with a roof there’s science. You examine roof, hole here, here, and here. You replace roof and fill the holes. With people you don’t always know where the holes are but what you can be sure of is that they’re everywhere and sometimes the things that leak out of the person making you unhappy might actually be leaking out of you. Sometimes the holes look smooth, filled, like hills in Florida. So when a person is making you unhappy because he has all these holes and you replace them with another person whose holes look like hills, there is still a chance you may get wet.
Also, I think wanting to be happy in life is stupid.
Happiness is a by-product of something else; you’re happy because the person you love, loves you, you’re happy because you finished the finished the New York City marathon, you’re happy because you have intimate relationships with people you trust and appreciate. Wanting to be happy, when you cut out the doing and put the spotlight on the wanting, (makes you leave home go on a journey, meet strangers, get into adventures, almost die, grab the jewel barely make it out, and come back home only to learn you never had to leave. Hm.
Ok, wanting to be happy in life, if it makes you go on adventures, is not stupid.