Friends Without Children

Your friends without children don’t like your child. They are unimpressed by your child. They do not see their growth spurts as noteworthy or even worth mentioning.

If your child takes a small ball and puts it into tupperware and shows you that he put the ball into tupperware, this is a time for celebration. For joy. For acknowledgement. To a friend without children, it’s boring, uninteresting, and not an accomplishment. It’s, “Are you gonna clean that tupperware now? Cause I saw him put that ball under the couch, where the cat was just playing with a cockroach.”

You are why your friends like you. When you have a child, you are no longer like yourself. You’re still you, just a different version. At times you may not even feel like you. You feel like someone else. Now why does your friend who’s known you for so long, want to see you act like someone else? He doesn’t.

If you have new friends, great. If you have children, great. If you have children and your friends have children, wonderful, but if you have a child and your friends don’t have a child, tell them to leave your home. Ask them not to return. Explain to them, you don’t want pity and they don’t want moments of unexpected emotion. Because although your son sat himself in timeout, and it brings a quiver to your voice, a sunken line in your forehead, stills the air with a quiet wonder at the thought of your child’s comprehension, all your friends are left to wonder is, “at what point did you become a woman’s vagina?”

Friends without children can’t understand what it means to have a child, but worse, they can’t understand why you aren’t acting like they are. Why aren’t you saying, “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing!” Their tone and sarcasm just doesn’t do it for you anymore. It seems you don’t have much of a sense of humor when your child breast-feeds and they say, “How do I get a boob in my mouth,” and you don’t laugh. Why are you offended when they question if your wife’s rack has become a museum piece, “You know, look but don’t touch.”

Your friends without kids are greedy and selfish with their time because, besides work, they don’t have anywhere to be. They don’t have to report to anyone, they don’t have to be a role model, they don’t have another’s life to look after, it doesn’t matter if they have 2 drink or 5 drinks because if they forget to feed their cat, walk their dog, sleep-in instead of work, the biggest tragedy they got coming is a hungry animal, shit in the house, or a fresh look at craigslist.

My son is watching me type. He was playing with his little subway cart but now his face is flushed, his lips pursed, chin tucked, it’s clear he’s taking a shit and I ask him, “Are you making poo-poo?” and he said yes and I said good boy and he said Yayyy!

Friends without children do not get this. Get them out of your home or you will judge them. They’re your old friends! They could never do wrong! But since you’re new and different, you expect them to be new and different! They have their freedom and zero responsibility and you have to sit with them at a table and hear about their stories of women and one night stands and think man I used to do that, so they’re saying, “oh, my life it’s filled with banging girls and staying up late and smoking cigarettes and popping pills and doing lines, smokin weed…” and sure, I used to pop pills, bang girls, smoke cigarettes, do bumps, inhale the ganga, but now I don’t (sorta) and am forced to silently judge you thinking, “Man you are doing nothing with your life.”

Don’t turn me into a hypocrite, please. Don’t make me justify having no freedom by saying you’re wasting your life and force myself to believe that now that I have a child I am no longer wasting mine.

It’s just bad business. We were friends, we had a good times, unfortunately this relationship is now uneven. I am going into this equation with a lot more to lose (a child) you are going into the relationship with nothing (you have nothing, not many people love you, you are incapable of love, etc.,).

When you open your refrigerators and they bang into the wall do you hear a computer animated recording of a young boy singing, “A! A! “A” says “Hey!” Every letter makes a sound A! says “Hey!” and “AH!” Do you have anything on the fridge with magnets that holds vital information like dates and times and places you HAVE TO BE, YOU CANNOT MISS, OR YOU WILL DIE. YOU WILL CEASE TO EXIST. EVERYTHING YOU LOVE WILL BE TAKEN FROM YOU.

Let’s not hurt one another anymore.


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