Have you ever been ashamed to tell someone something?
It is 2:51am. I am up. I woke up at this time last night, too. I can’t sleep. My kid can’t sleep either cause he was tossing and turning in his crib, wound up in my bed, tossed and turned there, too, and now I can’t sleep, but it’s not the real reason.
I’ve been thinking about acting recently. Something I have studied my whole life. The only thing I ever wanted to do. Then I got into chess and though I never wanted to be a professional player I did want to always play, then I got into learning Spanish and that has been ongoing for about 8 years and I still can’t speak with much clarity. Then I got into tap dancing and though it was fun I had to stop because of a pain in my right knee. I was running at the same time, though. I would run in the morning then tap in the afternoon and i developed some pain in my knee that made me stop both for awhile. Then Tonya became pregnant, there was not much time for tap but i did continue to run and did continue feeling pain in my knee. Then I swam and did improvisation and played ping pong and the last book on acting i purchased I haven’t finished reading and that is very very unusual. In fact there were several books i’ve started that i’ve put down, namely The History of the World, Don Quixote, The Bible and I know why.
There is no alone time. i am not alone anymore. not being alone anymore means not doing things i used to do when i was alone. I spent so much time alone so i could practice my monologues, write endlessly about animals and plants, tap until my knees hurt, run through all the graveyards, sit in cafes and cigarette-coffee-chess till my throat hurt, and so on and so forth.
I am embarrassed to feel the way I’m feeling. I am embarrassed to admit, I don’t want to be an actor anymore. Maybe it’s a fleeting feeling so there’s no way I can publish this post. There’s no way. This may just be a rut I’m in or I’m confused about something, but I really can’t believe this to be true. I feel like I’ll die if anyone finds out. I feel like no one will like me anymore. I am embarrassed what my friends will think. My son. My college professors. My Mother, from way up above watching her son below. My Father. I will be a bartender all my life. What am I supposed to do? What makes me happy? I don’t remember.
I feel like this is what it must be like to be a man, and realize you like men sexually. I should get kicked in the teeth for saying that.